I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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