i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
