he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
