Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
