My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
