Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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