So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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