My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
