i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
