I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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