I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
