Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
