I am in a vortex of obligation.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
