I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
