PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
