what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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