Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
