The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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