It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
