I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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