Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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