I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
