We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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