We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
