i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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