I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
