Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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