btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
