Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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