I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
