WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
