Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
