what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
