Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
