Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
