i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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