Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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