well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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