I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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