My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
