My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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