So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
