It's Friday. Sex?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
