Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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