Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
