the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
