Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
