So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
