My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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