Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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