u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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