I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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