I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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