He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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