I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
