Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
40s are totally the cure
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
