It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I need help removing her.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
