In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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