just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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